Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
