guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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