Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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