Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
