im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
