genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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