Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
