I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
