Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My ass is underappreciated
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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