I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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