she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
