Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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