I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think my fart just growled at me.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
