How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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