Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
