I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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