Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
