just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
