Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
