she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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