True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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