sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
