do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
