So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
