Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I need water and some morals
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
