We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
