Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
