Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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