it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
