i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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