If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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