he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
