I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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