My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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