She just used a chaser for red wine.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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