I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
