thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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