I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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