I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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