i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
