glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
