Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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