Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
