You can't special order awesome
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?