I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.