I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?