why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just high enough for therapy.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
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