can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We are all done wearing pants today
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
