Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
