I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She needs sedatives and a leash
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
