So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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