worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
