I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
