I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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