Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
