hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
