end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
