So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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