i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
