I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
