Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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