he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
