My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
operation have a gay friend backfired
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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