sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
