some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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